ACT Values Exercise: What Your Pain Might Be Trying to Show You
- Adolfo Perez-Gascon
- Apr 17
- 4 min read
When something hurts (emotionally or physically), our instinct is often to make it stop. We try to fix it, distract from it, or push it away.
This makes sense. Pain is uncomfortable. Of course you would want relief. But in ACT, we take a slightly different approach.
Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this?” we ask:
“What might this pain be pointing to?”
Very often, the things that hurt the most are connected to what matters most. In A Liberated Mind, Steven Hayes, the father of ACT, says that “one of the gifts of acceptance is the guidance we receive from feeling our pain.”
The following ACT values exercise is designed to help you explore that connection.
The Exercise
Take a few minutes to slow down. You can sit comfortably, close your eyes if that feels okay, and take a few gentle breaths.
1. Bring a Painful Experience to Mind
Think of a situation in your life that feels difficult right now. This could involve anxiety, loneliness, frustration, a sense of failure, or a painful memory.
You’re not trying to overwhelm yourself. Just gently bring it into awareness. It is better if the experience you choose is from an area of your life that you care deeply about. For example, if you care a lot about your family, you may choose a difficult experience that involves a close relative.
2. Identify What Hurts
See if you can name what is painful about this situation.
Is it:
a feeling?
a thought?
a sense of loss?
a fear about the future?
Write it down if that helps.
3. Ask a Different Question
Now, instead of trying to solve or fix the pain, ask yourself:
“What would I have to not care about for this not to hurt?”
Take your time with this. You might notice answers like:
“I would have to not care about being loved.”
“I would have to not care about being respected.”
“I would have to not care about doing meaningful work.”
“I would have to not care about connection.”
Let whatever shows up, show up.
4. Flip the Pain into a Value
Now see if you can turn what you discovered into a value.
For example, you may conclude that for the thought of “I am lonely” not to hurt, you would have to not value human connection. In this case, “human connection” would be your value.
Or you may find that the reason why the thought “I’m useless” is painful is because you value growth or competence.
5. Write it Down
Next, write a statement following this structure:
If I [think/ feel X], let it be a reminder that I really care about [value].
For example:
If I get the thought “I’m useless,” let it be a reminder that I really care about being competent.
6. Take Committed Action
Finally, ask yourself:
“What is one small action I could take today to honor the value unveiled by this pain?”
Keep it simple.
It might be sending a message to someone or showing up to something you’ve been avoiding. Or perhaps it is simply speaking honestly in a small way. The goal is not perfection. It is just to move in the direction of what matters.
The Point of this ACT Values Exercise
The purpose of this ACT values exercise is not to eliminate pain. Pain will still show up. But instead of seeing pain as something meaningless or purely negative, you begin to see it differently.
You realize that pain can point. It can show you what you care about. When you stop fighting it and start listening to it, something shifts. You are no longer just reacting to discomfort. You are using it as a guide.
A Quick Example
Imagine someone feeling a deep sense of loneliness. At first glance, loneliness just feels like something to escape, which the person might do by engaging in a number of avoidance behaviors, like excessive drinking or mindlessly watching TV.
However, if instead of turning away from the pain, they turn towards it and ask, “What would I have to not care about for this not to hurt?”, they might realize:
“I care deeply about connection.”
The person realizes that their pain is not random. It reflects something important. From there, they can choose how to deal with that pain more mindfully.
Instead of engaging in their usual avoidant behavior, they can choose to take a small step in the direction of the value their pain points towards. In this case, it may be a simple action such as reaching out to someone they care about.
Final Note
Don’t expect this exercise to remove pain completely. That’s not its purpose. Instead, it can help you live more in alignment with what matters, even when pain is present. And over time, that shift can change your relationship with your inner experience.
If you are looking for other ACT exercises to help you clarify your values, check out our ACT Values Card Sort Exercise. It is a fast and easy way to get in touch with what matters to you.
Other ACT Exercises:
ACT Values Exercises FAQs
What are ACT values exercises?
ACT values exercises help you identify what truly matters to you and take meaningful action in that direction, even in the presence of difficult thoughts and feelings.
How do values clarification exercises work in ACT?
Values clarification exercises in ACT help you explore what you care about by looking at your experiences, including pain, and identifying the deeper meaning behind them.
Can pain really help you find your values?
In ACT, pain is often seen as a signal of what matters. Difficult emotions can point to underlying values, such as connection, growth, or fairness.
What are the best apps for ACT values exercises and tracking?
A great app to help you clarify your values in the context of ACT is ACT Companion, created by renowned ACT author and trainer Dr Russ Harris.
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