ACT Exercise: Carrying Painful Emotions

Carrying Painful Emotions: One Stone or Two?

When painful emotions show up, our natural instinct is often to push them away. Of course

we’d rather feel happy than sad, calm than angry. But painful emotions are an unavoidable part of being human—and they often point to things that matter deeply to us.

Here’s the catch: when we struggle to make emotions like sadness disappear, we usually add to our suffering rather than reduce it.

To see why, imagine that sadness feels like carrying a heavy stone—say a 50-pound rock—in your backpack. Sadness doesn’t actually weigh anything, but it feels heavy.

Now consider your struggle against sadness: the tension, self-criticism, and effort to make it stop. Doesn’t that feel heavy too?

So the math looks like this:

Sadness (50 lbs) + Struggling against sadness (50 lbs) = 100 lbs

We’d all love to toss both rocks off a cliff and watch them disappear. But what if you could only drop one? Would you keep carrying both—or would you lighten the load?

Life can feel like climbing a mountain, especially when things are hard. And while a weightless pack would be ideal, carrying one heavy rock is usually better than carrying two.

If that sounds right to you, then let’s set down the struggle stone.

This means allowing the sadness stone to stay in your pack for now. Not forever—just for this stretch of the trail. Acceptance doesn’t mean liking sadness, agreeing with it, or resigning yourself to it. It simply means choosing not to add extra weight by fighting what’s already there.

In ACT, this is called acceptance: noticing painful emotions, responding with compassion, and letting go of the struggle so your load isn’t heavier than it needs to be.

Mindful Acceptance of Difficult Emotions

Acceptance isn’t easy—but it is simple.

When a painful emotion shows up, remember the two stones. Carrying sadness is hard. Carrying sadness and fighting sadness is harder. The steps below can help you lighten your load.

1. Notice and name the emotion

Gently notice what you’re feeling and give it a name.

Instead of saying “I am sad,” try:“Here’s sadness,” or “I notice sadness.”

This works for other emotions too, like anger or fear. Naming the emotion helps create a little space between you and it.

2. Notice your thoughts about the emotion—without getting hooked

Your mind may jump in with opinions like:

• “I have no right to feel this way.”

• “I shouldn’t be angry.”

• “This means something is wrong with me.”

See if you can notice these thoughts without taking them literally. They’re part of your mind’s attempt to struggle with the emotion—not proof that the emotion is wrong.

3. Ask: What value is underneath this emotion?

Painful emotions often show up because something important is at stake.

For example, if your mind says, “I’m sad because I’m a loser with no friends,” the value underneath might be:“Connection and friendship matter to me.”

Try focusing more on the value and less on your mind’s judgments about you or your feelings.

4. Carry the emotion—and keep climbing

Offer yourself kindness. Whatever the reason—and you don’t need a reason—you’re experiencing something painful.

Choose to carry the emotion with you while continuing to do the things that matter in your life. Notice that by doing this, you’re carrying one stone instead of two.

Noticing and Naming Emotions

Naming emotions can be tricky because thoughts and feelings often get tangled together. One helpful way to untangle them is to remember that there are a small number of core emotions, each with many variations—like flavors of ice cream.

Sometimes the emotion is obvious. “I’m sad” fits well.

Other times, we notice something that sounds more like a judgment, such as “I feel like a failure.” In these moments, it can help to look for the feeling underneath the feeling:

1. I notice the feeling of being a failure.

2. What does that feel like? → Guilt.

3. What does guilt feel like? → Sadness.

4. Here’s sadness.

In this example, failure is an opinion—your mind’s explanation for the pain. Sadness is the core emotion, and that part is simply a fact.

By looking beneath judgments and labels, we step away from shame and toward something more workable. We land on the one thing that can’t be argued with in the moment:

I feel sad.

Sadness isn’t joy—but it’s lighter to carry when we’re not also hauling the weight of judgment, self-criticism, and struggle.