ACT Idea: The Willingness Door

Most people feel stuck and unmotivated at times. When that happens, we usually face two problems at once: we don’t want to do the things we need to do, and then we beat ourselves up for not wanting to do them.

Let’s be honest—many of the things we avoid when we’re feeling stuck simply aren’t fun. Some are boring, tedious, or downright unpleasant. In those moments, shame often shows up as a motivator, trying to push us into action. But shame only works for so long. Eventually, when it becomes too painful, we slide into avoidance and stop thinking about everything left undone.

One of the core skills in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is flexible perspective-taking. This means not only noticing thoughts like “I don’t want to work out today,” but also noticing the lens through which we’re viewing the situation.

Take a simple example. You notice your house is a mess and the thought pops up: “I don’t want to clean today.” There are several big assumptions baked into that thought. One is the idea that we should want to do things like housework, laundry, or changing the kitty litter—and that if we don’t want to do them, something must be wrong with us. Lazy. Undisciplined. Stuck.

Another assumption is that before we can take action, we have to figure out a way to want to do the thing. This is a classic example of how the mind’s problem-solving strategies can actually get in the way of taking small steps toward what matters.

Let’s zoom out and look at the chain of events.

You notice your apartment is a mess. The laundry is overflowing. This creates tension between how things are and how you want to show up in your life. You want to take action, but you feel unmotivated. How do you know you’re unmotivated? You notice the thought: “I don’t want to do it.”

Your mind goes straight into problem-solving mode. It identifies the problem—the apartment is a mess—and, based on the assumption that this is happening because you don’t want to clean, it concludes that you must first make yourself want to do it. Since that clearly isn’t happening, the mind escalates. Labels appear: lazy, unmotivated, stuck.

Now your energy gets pulled into trying to fix yourself: figuring out how to become the kind of person who cleans regularly, or how to finally become more motivated. Shame ramps up. Rumination sets in. Eventually, the discomfort becomes too much and avoidance takes over—doomscrolling on the couch instead of taking even a small step toward a cleaner apartment.

And the whole time, the fact remains: you still don’t want to clean. That only reinforces the story that something must be wrong with you.

In this way, the thought “I don’t want to do it” becomes a slammed door—keeping you stuck on the couch, staring at your phone, in a messy apartment, while beating yourself up for being there. No matter how hard you try to pry that door open, it stays locked.

But what if you don’t need to open the door of wanting?

What if there’s another door you can open at any time—one that leads directly toward your values?

That door is called willingness.

If you think about it, you’ve walked through this door countless times. Every time you got out of a warm bed at 6 a.m. to shower and sit in traffic, even though you didn’t want to—you were willing. If you have kids, how often did you actually want to change a diaper? Maybe never. And yet, you did it anyway. Thousands of times. That’s willingness in action.

What about having a hard conversation with your partner, knowing how uncomfortable it would be? You probably didn’t want to. But if you made room for the discomfort and had the conversation anyway, it was because it mattered.

Here’s the bottom line: it’s okay not to want to do hard, boring, or uncomfortable things. Not wanting to clean the litter box, tackle the laundry, or do something difficult does not mean you’re lazy or unmotivated—it means you’re human.

Every time you do something annoying, uncomfortable, or emotionally hard, you do it because you’re willing. Shifting from a wanting mindset to a willing mindset not only helps you give yourself credit for the hard things you already do, it also opens a path to action when “I don’t want to” tries to shut you down.

Here’s how to use this perspective the next time you feel stuck.

When you notice yourself feeling unmotivated around something important—housework, exercise, relationships, or anything else—start by sending compassion to the part of you that doesn’t want to do it. Let it know it’s okay not to want hard things, and that this doesn’t mean you’re lazy or uncaring.

Then ask yourself: Am I willing to do this because it matters in some way? Am I willing to make room for the discomfort if it moves me even a little closer to my values? If the answer is yes—and when values are involved, it often is—gather up your self-compassion, your negative thoughts, and your stuckness, and take a small step forward.

You don’t need to want to do hard things. You don’t need to shame yourself into action. You just need to reconnect with willingness—the same capacity you already use every day.

This perspective works in the opposite direction too. Imagine you’ve been cutting back on alcohol, choosing to drink only on weekends. It’s Wednesday. You’ve had a rough day, and the thought appears: “I’d really love a glass of wine right now.”

That’s okay. Wanting relief or pleasure doesn’t make you weak. You don’t need to beat yourself up for wanting it. But you can gently ask: Am I willing to have a drink if it means stepping away from my values? Or, if I choose not to, am I willing to sit with what shows up tonight without wine?

So the next time you’re faced with a boring, annoying, or uncomfortable task you really don’t want to do, remind yourself: of course you don’t want to. You’re tired. You’re stressed. You’re human.

If moving forward would help, ask yourself one simple question: Am I willing? If the answer is yes, send some kindness to the part of you that says no—and take a few small steps toward meaningful action, in the direction of your values.